When an aerobics instructor in Lancashire says "hands on thighs", the ladies all put their hands over their eyes.
A woman was pulled up for dangerous driving; the policeman says "I must warn you madam that everything you say I will write down and read out in court"; she replies "Please don't hit me again with your truncheon, officer".
"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen. "It's OK", he says, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night, and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." "Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them." "Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."
When Sister Mary Aquinas died, the mother superior at her Yorkshire convent told the stonemason what she wanted on the headstone. But when she went to check it out, it read "Sister Mary Aquinas, Requiem in Pace, She Was Thin" - the stonemason had run out of room for the final E. "You've left off the E," she scolded him, "you'll have to do it again." When she went to look the next time, it read "Sister Mary Aquinas, Requiem in Pace, E She Was Thin"
A woman getting married for the fourth time goes back to the bridal
shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white" the sales assistant reminds her, "You've already been married three times"
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin" says the bride.
"Unfortunately not" the bride explained " My first husband was a psychologist - all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist - all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector...God, do I miss him..."
Pat and Mick woke up in the morning in the same bed. Mick says to Pat "Are you sure this is wife swapping?"
Pat and Mick were watching the Tour de France on TV during one of the more gruelling mountain sections. "What makes them do that?" Mick asks. "It's because the winner gets £250,000," Pat replies. "Oh, I see," says Mick, "but what makes the others do it?"
An Irish psychiatrist was studying what makes people tick, and what makes some ticker than others.