Only When I Laugh....

The Fun Begins Here!

The Men Jokes Collection - Part 2

How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
"You awake?"

Is he reliable?
Lets just say, whenever he wants me, there he is.

Where can you find a committed man?
In a mental institution.

Why do men put women on pedastals?
So they can look up their skirts.

How do you know when a man's had an orgasm?
He snores.

What's a sure sign a man will be unfaithful?
He has a penis.

Why are men like floor tiles?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

What does the smart guy do at the M&M factory?

What's the quickest way of losing unwanted excess fat?
Divorce him.

What's the definition of a lazy man?
One who gets someone to read the DIY manual to him.

Why does a man like going to bed with two women?
So they'll have someone to talk to.

What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot-dog and a six-pack of beer.

Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Why do men only get half-hour lunch-breaks?
So their bosses won't need to re-train them.

Why do men like BMWs?
Because they can spell it.

When's the only time you can change a man?
When he's a baby.

Wife: I'd like to thank my husband for three wonderful years of marriage - 1982, 1984 and 1987.

How can you tell a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing.

Man: Fancy a quickie?
Woman: As opposed to what?

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath.

What happened to the man who put odour-eaters in his shoes?
He disappeared.

What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.

How do you tell when a man is lying?
His lips move.

How do you tell an old man?
It's not hard.

What's most men's favourite hymn?
Oh come, oh come, Emanuelle.

How many men does it take to replace the toilet roll?
Don't know, it's never happened.

How do you bring a sparkle to a man's eyes?
Shine a torch in his ear.